It’s surprising how little my three teenagers remember of their childhoods. Equally shocking is how much of it I do. I remember the names of their best friends in preschool and who their favorite teacher was. I remember the color of every single little league soccer uniform they ever wore and who played on their team. I even remember when the kindergarten classroom theme was "Elephants" and the name of the boy who misbehaved and lost all his peanuts as punishment.
My kids only remember snack time.
I mean think about it, a lot of unforgettable things happened when our children were just too young to remember. They walked and talked and ate with a spoon, not to mention the whole being born thing. Us moms remember everything, while they seem to remember very little. In fact, as Dima Amso, Associate Professor in the Department of Cognitive, Linguistic and Psychological Sciences at Brown University states,
“Some evidence suggests that young children do have episodic memories of their infancy but lose them later. A six-year-old, for instance, can remember events from before her first birthday, but by adolescence, she has probably forgotten that celebration. In other words, young children can likely make long-term-like memories, but these memories typically fade after a certain age or stage of brain development. Memories made in later childhood and beyond are more likely to stick because the young brain… undergoes important developmental changes that improve our ability to bind, store and recall events.”
So that explains why my children suddenly woke up one day as moody adolescents unaware they even had or needed a mom. I became as obsolete as nap time and Sesame Street. They began forming new identities in a world that’s been competing for their attention ever since. Given their limited connection to childhood memory and their adolescent world of SnapChat and Instagram, how does a parent of teens continue to “train up a child in the way they should go,” (Proverbs 22:6)?
Step #1: Create "Touchpoints"
Remember when we first met our spouse and wanted to know everything about him? That phase of courtship required hours of emotional vulnerability as we tried to figure out what makes each other tick. Our teen has become another person for us to “court.” He or she is brimming with ideas and experiences that we never knew existed in his or her mind. And while we’re fairly certain we’ve said the same thing 1,000 times, they may only remember it this once.
So how do we court a reluctant teenager? In my house, chicken wings and pizza are a sure bet... as is being the last person on earth. But my best lesson came comes from my son’s soccer team. In soccer, every part of the game revolves around touch work with the ball. Whether the touch on the ball is a pass, shot, dribble, trap, or tackle; they’re all “touches.” Some of the best soccer players in the world are focused, not on scoring the goal, but on getting as many touches on the ball as possible. Their intention is to build muscle memory so they can control where the ball is going. It’s not about winning the game, it’s about putting a source of power behind the controls.
A similar concept in the business world is called “Touchpoints.” According to Laura Patterson, the President of Vision Edge Marketing,
“A touchpoint is any interaction (including encounters where there is no physical interaction) that might alter the way a person feels about your product, brand, business or service.”
In other words, Touchpoints are moments of influence. They can take a variety of forms. But the more opportunities we have to divinely “touch” someone with our thoughts, feelings, or words of wisdom from God, the more points we score for the Kingdom. Gone are the days when I was my children’s sole influence. Now, they have lots of people, places and things that influence who they are and what they’ll become. My teens are searching for a source of power, and I’m not it. But I know the One who is. And I want every interaction with me to point them to Jesus.
Step #2: Practice, Practice, Practice
How do we improve on our Touchpoints? We practice. Because let’s face it, we will fail. We’ll fail BIG time. We’ll freak out about things our teens tell us before we even hear the whole story. We’ll get tired and weary when we watch them make the same mistake over and over again. They’ll catch us off guard after a long day and we’ll flip out over something small when what we really needed was a bite to eat.
But the good news is, we’ll get another chance. Every day offers more opportunities for touchpoints. Whether it’s a text before a test, or a sincere compliment, or just the reminder that God loves them and will provide for them -- even when mom isn't going to bring the lunch they forgot at home to school that day -- we can use every itty-bitty milli-second we interact with teens to point to a Savior who’s crazy-amazing in love with them.
All in all, dating a teenager is one of the best things I’ve ever done. Dating three teens has allowed me to share stories and sagas all over again with a brand new audience. Having a teenager means being able to open up about about life without sugar-coating it. Gone are the days when their only response was “Why? Why? Why?” Now they want richer and deeper details as we connect together on the experiences that shape the teenage years.
But when everything falls apart and it seems like I’m the worst date ever, I keep this in mind: Tomorrow is another day, full of more touchpoints. And by the time they actually remember any of them, I’ll be a pro.
Proverbs 22:6
“Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
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